


Not Skin Deep

by GigglePhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bisexuality, Cutting, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Gay, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Living Together, M/M, One Shot, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, YouTuber Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 15:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10767078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GigglePhan/pseuds/GigglePhan
Summary: Phil had been neglecting Dan. Dan self harms. Phil finds him there. Warning: Graphic Depictions of Self Harm.





	Not Skin Deep

I saw him hugging his knees with one arm, the other sprawled along his black and white duvet. His face was pale, his eyes sunken and devoid of any emotion. The more I looked from his death-like state to the discarded razor peppered with dry blood, to the bright red liquid dotting along the slashes on his wrist, the angrier I got.

Dan had promised me when we first met that he would never do this again, that he was happier than he had ever been in his life. I had believed him, and for seven years he had kept his promise. But now looking at him, his hair curled from sweat pressed flat along his chalky forehead, and the way he looked straight through me as if I wasn't standing there trembling with rage, he looked like the self-destructive 18-year-old boy I met back in 2009.

I stared at him, trying to make myself move, to get over my shock. Finally, I bounded across the room towards his convulsing silhouette. My chest burnt with a suffocating wrath, my face distorting into a scowl. As soon I was next to him, I grabbed his limp arm tightly in my fist.

"Dan, what the fuck! Why the fuck did you do this to yourself! You fucking promised!" I unnaturally spat the bitter curse words out at him. He yanked his arm away from my grasp, leaving his dark blood smeared onto my fingers.

My jaw trembled and I felt my eye twitch. My head spun as I screamed at Dan, everything tinted with a fierce shade of red. How could my Dan mutilate himself like this? How could I not have noticed the signs? Dan had been eating less; he rarely slept lately. I should have noticed that he had stopped wearing short sleeves. That he never looked at me in the eyes anymore. I should have fucking noticed.

How could he do this to himself. . . do this to me? Didn't he understand how much he meant to me, that every time he cut into his soft creamy skin, he ripped another piece of my heart to shreds? How every scarlet line carved into his arm might as well be cut into mine as well.

"Dan look at me! LOOK AT ME GOD DAMN IT!" I grabbed his head with my hand and pressed my forehead against his. Dan had silent tears running down his face now, but he still avoided my eyes. "Why Dan? Why?" I shook him roughly, grabbing his hair painfully and pointing his eyes into mine.

"I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit Phil. A waste of everyone's time. You don't even care about me. All you care about is Ryan! You'd rather be in a fucking shitty ass relationship with that dick than even be friends with me. You didn't even realize when I needed you the most Phil. I need someone, but if I can't have you it's pointless. Food doesn't have any taste, water just makes my mouth even drier. Colors are starting to fade into gray, and I can't feel anything. Even your eyes are dull when you are with him. But this," he nodded his head weakly at his arm. "This makes me feel something, Phil. This is all I have left." Dan answered when he regrettably met my eyes.

I felt my stomach turn and bile burn the back of my throat. How could he not see what I saw in him? How beautiful and priceless he was. How could I have ever neglected him for Ryan?

"I'm so fucking sorry about Ryan, but I'm done with him now. But how could you think for one fucking second, that you were worthless? You mean the world to me Dan, more than Ryan or anyone else in my life." I yelled at him in between my jagged breaths. "You're my everything. Don't you know how much this hurts me? I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you, but I will be. Or am I worth that little to you?" At those words, Dan's attention snapped to me.

"Phil, I care more about you than life. But you don't want me around. All I did was get in the way of your relationship with him." Dan's voice was dripping with venom. "It's best for you if I just stay out of your way entirely. What we had wasn't permanent, and it was going to end one way another " Dan sobbed as he let his head fall back against the backboard. His head lolled around and drooped down in exhaustion.

How could I have ever led him to believe that? That he didn't mean more than life to me, too. How could I show him how much he meant to me?

Acting on my rage I grabbed Dan's clammy fingers into mine and forced the razor back into hands.

" Phil, what are yo- Phil stop let me go stop!!" Dan was wide awake now, as I pulled his hand with the blade towards my waiting arm.

"You have no fucking idea," I paused and pressed the serrated edge deep down onto my skin, and slid it down gently. "How much it hurts me to see you hurt yourself." The crimson on my first cut looked like a single red rose in a snowy field. The foreign feeling was nothing short of extremely painful.

Dan cried out and tried to rip his hand away but I wouldn't let him.

"Phil stop it, stop! Please!" Dan's yell fell on deaf ears as I lifted the dripping blade and cut back into my skin, crossing the line with my first one. And again, to form the proper shape.

Dan's other fist was pounding my shoulder, and he was screaming for me to let him go, but I looked away from him .

"If you keep hitting me, I'll cut too deep." I said through my clenched teeth. The strikes stopped, but I could still hear his whimpers as I wiped the blade on my shirt before continuing to slash and cut and cross. Slash, cut, cross, slash, cut, cross. Again and again, repeating and repeating it again. My mind felt sluggish and I turned to look at Dan.

His face was red and his eyes were puffy and incredibly wide. His lips were lined with a greenish hue, and tears were streaming down his perfect cheekbones.

"Every time you cut yourself, you might as well do it to me too." I whispered, looking down at his quivering fingers, coated in my blood.

"St-st-st-stop-p-p-p! Pleas-uh-uh-uh." Dan hiccuped hysterically. I gulped. I had one last cut left to do.

"Never, ever say that we won't last forever. Forever isn't long enough for what we have." I asserted as I stared into his sad eyes. He looked like he was about to faint, his shirt wet with our blood and his tears. I grabbed his hand tightly one last time and pressed the blade deep into my arm. I bit my lip to stop myself from gasping in pain, as I made Dan slide the metal piece down, and watched as the blood bubble to the surface.

Finally I let his hand drop. Dan retracted his arm and spastically tried to wipe my blood off his hands, against his black skinny jeans and shirt. He clawed at his face, nails crusted with dried blood digging and scratching.

"I-I-I hurt y-y-you. I hate myself s-so m-much." He shut his eyes and pulled at his hair, streaks of his tears washing away the blood from his face. I stared at the new cuts on my arm and smiled sickly.

Gently, I laced my fingers with Dan's and brought them away from his face.

"Dan look at my arm." I whispered softly into his ear. He shook his head and shut his eyes even tighter. "Please, Dan look."

I saw his eyes open reluctantly and look into my mine before they drifted to my arm.

I saw his breath hitch. He looked back up at me. "Phil . . ." His voice trailed off, as he jumped up from his cowering position and tackled me with a hug.

My heart thumped hard as he cried into my neck and snaked his arms tightly around me.

"I'm so sorry Phil. I p-promise I'll never hurt myself again, because fuck, seeing you do it- seeing me do it to you, it hurt more than anything. Please never do anything like that again. I know now, how much you care about me." Dan mumbled, lips tickling my neck as he spoke. "Phil." He whispered, before sinking into me.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back. The love that we shared was not skin deep.

It was even deeper.

I looked over his shoulder at my arm where I saw the word I had just written: DANIEL.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•


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